Sex And the City – Atlanta Style

I had lunch today with two female co-workers. S, a spunky single 30-something with no designs on parenthood and J, a smart-alec new mother with a quirky southern accent.

Here is a bit of dialogue:

J: My sister saw the bottle in the nursery and got all snippy and said, “Well! You won’t be needing THAT anytime soon!” And I was like, “Oh yes I will, I am NOT breast feeding this baby, I can’t think of anything more unpleasant. No sir, not for me.”

S: Well I can think of something more unpleasant – popping out the thing in the first place!

Me: Hello!

J: Actually that wasn’t that bad…

S: Yeah well, you had a c-section or a lot of drugs or something…

J: Well… but before the c-section, before they realized she was breech—it just felt like waves of nausea. The worst thing was that I had to pee every 10 seconds and the nurse was like, “it’s just the baby, you don’t really have to go.” And I was like “uhh!” and she was all, “well, you’ll just have to do it in the bedpan then.” Grrr.

S: That reminds me, did you hear N talking about her trip to the Cabbage Patch™ nursery and how they don’t call them episiotomies, they call them leafiotomies or something?

Me: {Baffled by the notion of anyone going to the cabbage patch nursery} Oh for crying out loud!

J: From what I read they don’t do episiotomies very often. And you know there are exercises you can do to avoid having to have one.

S and Me: {blink blink} What!

Me: I don’t even want to know.

J: I tried one but I just couldn’t even get in there.

Me/S: OH SHIT! AHHAHAHAHAA! {writhing in hysterical agony}

S: Come on! She’s gay and I don’t even want children!

J: What does her being gay have to do with anything?

Me: Could ya’ll talk a little bit louder about how gay I am here at the Redneck Bar?

S: {embarrassed} Oh crap! Hahahaha!

J: Anyway, you’re supposed to hook your thumbs in there and stretch it out but I just couldn’t do it.

S/Me: :snarf snort: ahahaha! Jesus!

S: Where do you even learn about exercises like this? Is there some sort of network for these things?

J: {smugly} No, I bought What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

J: Anyway, I couldn’t do it so then I thought maybe my husband might try…

S/Me: Yeah right!

J: But he was like, hell no! But then every time I’d try to tell him what to expect in the delivery room, and I’d say, “and then they’ll make a little cut, like this (chops her hand down)” and he’d be all, “EH EH EH stop right there! Talk to the hand!”

Me: {catching my breath} Oh man, did anybody see the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda’s water breaks all over Carrie’s new pumps?