They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

You look like a pooped out pinwheel!
–Johnny, Robot Monster

On Friday morning I rented a Chevy Malibu and drove six hours to Chicago. After a lovely lunch with my sister and a tour of her work place (an institution for the, often profoundly, mentally and physically impaired), I arrived at Northwestern University to finally submit myself to B-Fest.

I kinda liked it but I’ll probably never be the same.

Here is the obligatory B-Fest Re-cap. Photos posted at Flickr.

The Lineup:

Friday, January 28 2005
6:05: Earth vs. the Flying Saucers
This was a super way to kick it off as far as I was concerned. I have nothing to compare it to as an intro film but it had everything! Romance, comedy, drama, wobbly little flying saucers on wires and space aliens that sucked people�s �brain essence� or some such thing. Loved it. Hated it. Wanna see it again.

7:35: The Apple: sponsored by The Soylent Green Party
Words cannot describe this movie. It is so appallingly bad, and honestly, I only made it through about half of it. Wow. The lesson we must all remember is: God loves hippies. And Glam-Rock, while sexy and fun, is the devil’s music.

9:10: Mystery Short
Not a clue, went to the loo. Actually, this may have been the one that was a propaganda film about how feminism is ruining America.

9:25: The Swarm: sponsored by C.H.E.W.
Loved it! Never thought a pack of killer bees converging on a school yard could be so much fun! The parting shot of creepy lollipop kid’s lolly laying in a pile of bees will stay with me for the rest of my life. And would you just look at that cast.

11:25: Raffle for Door Prizes
Alas, I did not win the DVD copy of The Swarm. Now I’m getting cranky.

11:45: The Wizard of Speed and Time (short)
What in the holy mother was that?

midnight: Plan 9 From Outer Space
This is a bad-movie cult phenomenon, acted out on stage and from the audience in complete Rocky Horror fashion. The flying paper plates (flying saucers anyone) littered the entire theater.

Saturday, January 29 2005

1:20: Black Caesar
A last minute replacement for Black Belt Jones, this ’70s blacksploitation film is actually quite good, as such things go. Apart from a fairly freaksome spousal rape scene about half-way through, I actually enjoyed this one, though it is dark and depressing and pretty much sucked the remaining life right out of me.

3:05: Beauty and the Robot
Don’t know. This is where I hauled my sister’s sleeping bag and Thermarest(tm) into the lobby and zonked out on the floor for about 4 hours.

4:40: Death Wish 3: sponsored by Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension
Still zonked.

6:15: Project Moonbase
Zonk zonk zonk.

7:20: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
Whoo-hoo! It’s Saturday morning! And what better way to start it off than with three kids, saving the world, and Hulk Hogan, from the evil forces of Lonnie Anderson and her botox. I think Christopher actually shed a tear over Lonnie’s lowered state, pining softly for the return of her WKRP days. Baby, she ain’t ever going to come back there.

9:00: Breakfast break
Coffee anyone? As I said to Chris, it may be Seattle’s Best coffee but it was brewed by Illinois’ worst barristas.

9:30: Robot Monster: Sponsored by American Cultist Omnimedia
Another of my favorites, and probably the film to produce the best one-liners of the festival. I was especially touched when the only two unrelated characters of the opposite sex to survive the total destruction of the colony, fell in love in five seconds and were promptly married by the girl’s scientist father. Who doesn’t believe in love at first sight when you’re faced with the prospect of never having sex again for the rest of your life? And besides, “they’d done already $%#^ed in the bushes.”

10:40: Class of Nuke ‘Em High
This was when I started begging for a gun. Absolutely awful. To the point of unforgivable.

12:25: Lassie: The Adventures of Neeka
Now there is actual blood seeping from my eye sockets. Scott’s asleep in his chair.

1:40: Ice Pirates: Sponsored by the B-Movie Message Board
Ice Pirates is just a fun, dumb, movie. It doesn’t take itself seriously and actually has some surprisingly funny dialogue. And a truly obnoxious sex scene that results in an instant child, thanks to a time-warp situation. Plus, broke-ass funny robots and Robert Urich when Robert Urich was cool.

3:15: It: Terror From Beyond Space: Sponsored by Bad Movie Planet
Was it just me or did this movie never end? This was the point when I looked to Chris and Scott and said, “okay, I think I’m officially done now.” Also, female scientists on a space vessel, no matter how talented, educated or qualified, are primarily there to serve coffee to the male scientists. Has that changed much?

4:40: Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo: Sponsored by Stomp Tokyo
As I’m sure Chris will wax on, this was the gem in the Stomp Tokyo crown this year. The result of five years of hard effort to secure the print for public screening. And frankly, it was terrible. But you know, it still wasn’t the Lonely Lady, and for that, I am so thankful I could kiss them both. ‘Cept we don’t do that.

I sat between Chris and Scott. Probably so that they could keep me from escaping. At some point on Saturday afternoon Scott actually said to me, “You know Amy, you’ve held up for this a lot better than I expected.” I’m not sure what he was expecting. Was I supposed to scream and weep and claw my eyes out or threaten him with physical violence (Lord knows I’ve done that before)? I’m not sure if he was proud or disappointed. I’m going with proud.

More than anything about the experience though, I was jazzed to see the two of them and to meet some of the other nutty people I’ve come to know and love through them. Even the annoying ones. Nameless Ray Schaff, if you’re reading this, I came about a hair’s breadth from socking you in the mouth the third time you screamed directly into my ear. Only BMMB love prevented it. Well, that and the threat of Freeman’s cane.